Ask Gerty: Spring has Sprung!

April 28, 2017

Dear Gerty,


Now that spring has finally arrived, I can’t help but notice how green it is outside. The grass, the trees, the flowers; it’s all so amazing! I love all the beauty that I can see outdoors, but I’ve been having trouble once I try and bring that beauty inside my dorm. I use a fair amount of water so as to never drown or deprive my plants, I keep them in full view of the sun whenever possible, and I even talk to them sometimes to provide some extra carbon dioxide. Despite all my efforts, they always end up going to plant heaven in less than a week… I’ve asked my biology major friends for advice, but they always start laughing once I mention that I talk to the plants! So, now I come to you, Gerty, with this question: How do I properly take care of and maintain plants within my dorm? 



The Green Knight without a Green Thumb



Dear Green Knight without a Green Thumb,


I am thrilled that you asked this question! You may not be aware of this, but I spent two years living in the Amazon Rainforest learning the greatest secrets of botany from the locals. When searching for ways to keep your plants alive longer, I suggest playing tunes from the hit Mort Garson album, Plantasia. My favorite piece is “Music To Soothe The Savage Snake Plant”, though I also have plenty of plants that enjoy listening to “You Don't Have To Walk A Begonia”. Another thing to remember is that you should NEVER expose your plants to uranium for any period of time longer than 24 hours. If you do, you could end up living with a plant that garners interest from the biology department - along with the Department of Homeland Security! See the picture provided to understand my own experience with radioactive plants in Japan; it was less than desirable. Finally, I suggest you invest in plant weights so that they can stay in shape while you are away at class. They likely will never work out while you are around, but that is merely due to the fact that they are especially self-conscious.


Wishing you the best,



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